How to win America's Next Top Model.

As all good fashion connoisseurs and trashy TV addicts will know , we are rapidly nearing the final of America's Next Top Model Cycle 16, and it's looks as if serial moaner Molly O'Connell is set to take the title and appear in Vogue Italia. But this would be a disaster - a very predictable disaster, but an oh so distasteful one. Why? Because her fellow competitor and high-fashion vixen Brittani Kline is vastly more deserving. But Tyra 'I'm such a soapbox hypocrite' Banks has seen to it that the 19-year-old wannabe is primed for destruction.

During an altercation earlier in the series, Brittani called out 'noted fashion photographer' Nigel Barker for selecting uber-bitch and control-freak Alexandria Everett as the spokesperson for Warriors In Pink - a branch of Breast Cancer Awareness. She raised a few solid points and almost everyone else was in agreement - Alexandria was a giant pain in the you-know-what and needed to go home. But Tyra, in a fit of self-righteousness that has sadly come to characterize her of late, branded Brittani 'ugly', 'weak' and 'a poor role model'. She finished by saying that, had the elimination process been solely up to her (her now infamous speech about how ANTM is emphatically not a 'mon-ARRR-chy' has gone down in TV history) Brittani would have gone home.

Harsh. And extremely below-the-belt. Suffice it to say, there's a greater chance of the world ending in 2012 than there is of Brittani pipping Molly to the top spot in a fortnight. But that's just the way this show goes. In it's 16-cycle history, there have only been a handful of truly deserving winners, and I've even compiled my own 'wanna be on top?' list for any future hopefuls.

So, how exactly do you go about winning America's Next Top Model? Follow these simple steps, and I'll eat a part of myself if you don't make it to the final 5.

1. Have a sob story. If you weren't bullied at school, abused by a partner or neglected by your parents, don't even bother applying. America loves an underdog, and Tyra does too. On the flip-side, do NOT apply if you come from a respectable family. The educated girls are always painted as snooty and chucked out very early on. The trashier, the better! Why? Because your donkey-shit life makes great TV.

2. You must have 'attitude' - a Tyra-ism for entertaining rudeness. You must belittle the other contestants constantly, yet fake a smile at panel to try and fool the judges. At least 5 of your fellow contestants should despise you and the ground you walk on, and crying most definitely helps. Cry at anything - your best shot, your own reflection, the backlash after successfully pissing everyone off. Cry, cry, cry.

3. Nigel Barker (noted fashion photographer) must fancy you. This is crucial. Get him to the point where all constructive criticism is rendered useless, and he instead begins to describe you as 'dynamite', 'smoldering', 'sexy' and 'vivacious'. He should positively drool with desire when you saunter past him.

4. You must have personality - no, not that thing we all like to pride ourselves on. This, alas, is another Tyra-ism. Personality, in ANTM Land, consists of the following - barely audible gibbering at everything ever, throwing a fit over everything ever, laughing hysterically at everything ever, and doing weird, kooky stuff 24/7 and always in view of a camera. Throw your dignity and quiet reserve out the window! Tyra doesn't want honest human beings! She wants 14 tear-soaked walking, talking freakshows!

5. You must make it to at least week 11 with much stronger competitors. We've already ascertained that Tyra loves an underdog, so screw your consistently amazing body of photographic work, and abandon your status as positive, non-bitchy role model. Don't forget, you must have 'personality'. Chances are, the emotionally unstable cantankerous bitch standing next to you will walk away with the prize anyway, but what else are you there for if not a shock elimination mid-way through the process?

6. You must be plain enough for Cover Girl to faun all over you. Sure, this cycle may be 'top model elevated!' but there's still that pesky Cover Girl contract up for grabs as well. High fashion girls with perfect bodies and cheekbones that defy the laws of physics need not apply. This is a wholly commercial gig. If you've got blonde, wavy hair, a smile that says 'easy, breezey, cheesey!' and a poor track record, you're in with a real shot here. Just grin loads, learn a few sets of lines and shake your larger-than-average assets at the moving camera.

7. Something must be holding you back. This is similar to point 1, but not entirely. You should be one of the following - too 'old', too 'large', too 'small', too 'tall', too 'ethnic', or too 'weird'. Or, preferably, a mixture of 2 or more. Remember, your difference needs to be visible for it to be scrutinized, patronized and picked apart by a bunch of people who claim to have been 'just like you' once.

8. Finally, you must make sure that no one hears of your sorry self ever again. No ANTM winner is ever complete without that magical ability to just vanish in to thin air after a half-baked editorial and a few run-of-the-mill interviews for Seventeen. Tyra doesn't want to create a bigger star than herself. That would be stupid, and purely counter-productive. Just look at the photo shoot the winners do with Tyra directly after the competition finishes - Tyra's always much taller, much thinner, and much more made-up than the poor prowl squatting next to her. It's as if you've won a silly competition and the prize is to have your picture taken with a supermodel. Oh, wait...